Looking for the lost happiness
When I meet people on the road, they often ask me why I’m traveling? Why did I become this nomad? What do I like in this life? It’s often difficult for me to answer because it touches me deeply. To be honest, I always want to cry with this question because it always brings me back into that empty space inside myself where I stayed so long without knowing how to get out of it.
I was falling, slipping for years into my life without realizing it. How to do when one morning you wake up and you feel bad inside yourself? Just bad. More than a pain that could pass, there was deep inside me, this feeling that nothing was at its place. That I was not at my place.
So how do you get everything back in order when you do not even know what’s wrong? When what you are is only confusion, when you don’t even know how to explain around yourself, to your friends, lover, colleagues or family why that is wrong with you. Why that doesn’t stick. How to regain control of your life ? How to live, to love?
How to be happy? This is the question that tormented me for a long time. Without being unhappy, I was just not happy. I was fine. But I wasn’t happy. My life was fine but I wasn’t happy with her. Was it bad to want more, than just to be ok? I wanted more. I wanted to be able to say: I’m happy. Happy with my life. Not just everything it’s ok.
If this blog has this baseline “a one-way for happiness” it’s not for nothing. Some will find this phrase easy, or marketing but it’s as simple as that. I was, I am constantly looking for my happiness. I want, I wanted to be happy. And what I had in my life as beautiful, as successful as it could appear did not bring me happiness.
To understand this took me a year, a year to question myself and the outside world. My job, my life, my habits, my boyfriend. Before I realized that all this came from inside me. Just me. Along the way, I also discovered that associated with my quest for happiness, there was also the quest for my freedom and to discover life. I could have chosen many possibilities and there were plenty of them but here, if I chose the trip, as a tool to find my happiness it’s not for the beauty of the landscapes or the adventure, in reality I was totally terrified of traveling. If I chose to seek my happiness with the travel, it’s because I needed this freedom. We can be free everywhere, it’s true. But I don’t know yet why, I can’t be free in my country. I can’t feel free, I can’t release the Laura inside me when I’m with my family, with my friends, in my daily life. So I made this choice to leave. Leave to try to find my feet. To go to seek this happiness, this life which would make me feel good inside me.
Today, I’m talking to you almost 5 years after this whole process started. 5 years of ups and downs. 5 years of intensive research of this happiness and on the way what I understood is that I found little by little parts of me that I lost sight of. That part of me that is able to enjoy a sunset from start to finish, the one who can meditate in silence for a long time, the one who knows how to laugh, the one who knows how to make jokes, the one who doesn’t take things too much seriously, the one who is curious, the one who knows how to open her heart to others, the one who loves passionately without fear of suffering, the one who isn’t afraid to try just to see, the one who believes a little more in her, the one who dreams, the one who follows her dreams, the one who wants to live, the one who is not afraid to feel emotions, the one who is not afraid to change, the one who changes.
Happiness didn’t come back inside me with a magic wand or because I had a revelation. It comes little by little as you get closer to yourself, as you open up to yourself, as you accept to look at yourself as you are, as you we accept each other, whenever you laugh at yourself. Happiness isn’t a sudden explosion; it is the accumulation of little things that you do for yourself, just for yourself with consciousness and pleasure. You can meet happiness each day in these little attentions that we give yourself, the smiles that have about situation or yourself, the lightness that you add in your life.
So today, every day, I try to smile and to lighten and it’s true: when I do it the happiness is there in a corner of my heart coming to greet me like an old friend who never forgot me.
Today I am asked who I am: a traveler, a digital nomad, a therapist? Me, I often want to answer: I do not know. But what I do know is that I’m happy and that’s enough for me.
What is happiness for you?